No Something. No Another Thing. No Something Else.

The Real BigDummy’s Guide to Shrine Stalking

Posted by BigDummyKenny on December 23, 2009

In many parts of The World, government authorities have taken all the fun out of the age old art of stalking. Court orders, lawsuits, lawyer fees.  Who wants to deal with those hassles?  Fortunately, Thailand is not part of The World.  (Don’t believe me?  Ask any Thai girl to point it out on the map.  Quizzical looks.  “No hap.”) With Thailand being in an alternate universe the same rules don’t apply.  So your stalking form can be taken to a new level.  What better place to develop your stalking technique than a Buddhist shrine?  So pay attention and you too may soon have your stalking skills back in top notch form in no time.

Step 1.  Select Stalking Attire.  Some people will say quality fabrics are the attire of the day for stalking.  Balderdash and bunk I say.  The objective of stalking is to NOT be seen and to NOT be noticed.  Remember your stalking objective: No Contact.  Any run of the mill clothes will do, but any clothing selection should be made with consideration of the location of the shrine where you will be stalking.   Beach town shrine?  Shorts, cut-off tank top exposing beer belly and navel lint and sandals.  Issan shrine.  Blue jeans or shorts, 10 year old t-shirt, socks, gym shoes.

Step 2.  Pick a shrine, but not just any shrine.  No, no.  You want a place that is only attended by the finest upstanding good girls in Bangkok.  With it’s key location on Sukhumwit Road and near Central World the (Phra Tri) Murati Shrine is a virtual honeypot for good girls.  This makes it a high traffic area for locals and tourists.  Lots of people, lots of movement.  This makes it difficult to spot a stalker.  As a bonus, there is an elevated walkway from the BTS to Central World.  Perfect for recon work.

Step 3.  Look Inconspicuous. It’s best if you blend in with the local crowd.  Since the area is frequented by tourist it’s best if you leave your hotel room with a professional camera (preferably that you don’t know how to use and) at least one shopping bag with some personal items.  At the shrine purchase some incense.  Buying offering flowers is a nice touch, but don’t go overboard.  Remember, you don’t want to get noticed.

Step 4.  Pick a Target. The best place to pick a target is from the BTS walkway.  High location and a clear view.  Easy to get down to the action quicker, faster and more efficiently.  Be sure you spot girls well before they enter the shrine.  Many of the guys who come with the girls will stop in McDonalds or stay outside the shrine while the girl is making her prayer.  The last thing you want is a free trip to the hospital due to being beaten to a pulp by a Thai mob or an unruly farang.  Notice the girl’s attire.  Is she nicely dressed?  Some jewelry?   How does she act?  Does she seem sad or a little down? Perfect.  That is your target.  (Note: Stay away from girls with any tattoos as they are most certainly not good girls.  Especially stay away from girls with Mom or Naval tattoos on their right arm as at one point they are most certainly were not girls.)

Step 5.  Move in for the stalk. Quickly make your way from the BTS walkway down to the shrine.  DO NOT RUN!  Nobody runs in Thailand unless they’re running from something or someone or someone just threw a bucket of ping pong balls.  Everyone will look to see why you are running.  Once you enter the shrine, make sure the incense and offering flowers are prominently displayed and fumble with your camera like it’s not working correctly, all the while taking blurry photos of your subject with your professional camera.  The ideal stalking distance is 4-7 meters.  Any closer and you will most certainly be noticed by your target.  Any further and there will be too many people between you and her to get any unobstructed blurry photos.  The ideal stalking time is no more than 6 minutes.  You can’t underestimate a woman’s creep detector and being in close proximity for more than 6 minutes will raise her suspicion.  While stalking make sure you stay in her blind spot the entire time for that ultimate shrine stalking experience.

Step 6.  Take photos.  As mentioned, you should have a professional camera you don’t know how to use so all photos are blurred and out of focus.  This will be your excuse in the event you are accused of stalking.  Who would intentionally take blurry and out of focus photos with such a high-end camera capable of high quality results?  Not a stalker.  Now you get it, aye?

Step 7. Covert retreat.  As your 6 minutes is about to expire, take your incense to the shrine, light and leave.  This is the final step in any shrine stalking experience: light and leave.  light and leave.

Congratulations! You have completed the Seven Step Program on Shrine Stalking.

One final word.  If by chance your target spots you, approaches you, smiles and attempts to engage you in conversation: Run (or dive into the back seat of a passing tuk-tuk) and don’t stop running until you reach MBK or Soi 2. You screwed up and have be identified.  Remember, the objective of stalking is avoiding direct contact, avoiding conversation and acting really creepy.  If you had balls and really wanted to meet a Thai girl you would have noticed her walking on the street, at the BTS station, at one of the scores of restaurants or stores in the area and used a little charm and wit to strike up a conversation.

So avoid any uncomfortable situation which may lead to embarrassing behavior (not being able to speak, pissing your pants or crying like a little girl for your mum) and you’ll soon be an expert shrine stalker too.

Tagline (TBA)


14 Responses to “The Real BigDummy’s Guide to Shrine Stalking”

  1. WOW said


  2. Daffy said

    Excellent extension on an already fine subject …

  3. UnCochinoWetback said

    I would also recommend ninja training to increase your stalking abilities. i had a friend once (not me) that was caught stalking his ex-girlfriend. he was rummaging through her garbage and stealing her underwear to create a shrine to her in his basement.

    after being caught he looked up mister miyagi and received awesome ninja training. he even got to wear those cool jammies! the best part however is when you learn how to use those smoke bombs so you can disappear like a midget in quicksand once your stalkee suspects anything. this is what my friend (not me) did and it worked wonders.

  4. doctorbond said

    Shame on you – you forgot stage 8 – “The Post-Stalking Interception” – let me remind you….

    Following your target as she walks away from the shrine you visually check for post-prayer wobble (this is where the target is still overcome by the emotions encountered during her prayer and it shows in her gait). Is she wobbling? Good – now you can proceed to the Interception. It is vital to time your interception while she is still feeling emotional and vulnerable so give it about 100 yards or so and then overtake her – you can work on your own personal chat-up line but I find that this works best….
    “Hallo, I’m a sad fuck from another country… I want to shag you and dump you; but for the time being let me hold out the prospect of marriage to a rich Farang while you are all emotional and have just been praying for an intervention in your love life”
    After that, a 50 Baht taxi to your hotel room and a couple of hours later you can be back at the shrine for a follow up.

  5. sad fuck farang said

    i’m at the shrine, ninja-trained and ready to hit them post-prayer — yet I’ve a huge annoying boner… What should I do?!

  6. sad fuck farang said

    my jeans are so fucking tight… And my massive snake-like farang cock threatens to jump out of my pant at any minute… Help please — the shrine is chocking from horny deadly sexy young single high-heeled leggy Thai cunts with silky long black curly hairs and ambitious perky tits

  7. UnCochinoWetback said

    SFF- you can either hit up a polyclinic to remedy the constant boner problem (non-reversible) or use your ninja smoke bombs (bite sized) on the affected area. problem solved.

  8. sad fuck farang said

    kapoum! *drop a s-bomb down there* Ouch! Wtf Ucw?! Help! — my tiny sweaty balls hurt like a cock blown by a tooth mean ladybody…

  9. Daywalker said

    My pal can’t afford the Knight Rider car (the old one, not the new car that changes shape – That is just silly), and finds it difficult to drive his battered pick-up truck whilst hanging out of the window with his perv camera and trying to record GPS coordinates all at the same time. Especially when in hot pursuit of young girls on their mopeds.

    Mr Miyagi has many talents, maybe he could give him any tips??

  10. sad fuck farang said

    Fuck ya Ucw! Chai yo with my fist!!! — u let me down when my balls are hurting and my cock is ruined. 😦 No boner anymore however… 😉 Btw who’s that Gaywalker dude? 😯

  11. UnCochinoWetback said

    Mister miyagi is available most days. on weekdays you will find him in thaniya getting his fuck on. on saturdays and sundays he is hanging out with that old chinese guy from the gremlins (the one who sold mogwai) in an old teahouse in yaowarat.

    please do not disturb him when he is with a lady unless you want to catch a crane kick to the throat.

    SFF- oh yeah, most of those smoke bombs are made in some dilapidated factory in guangdong so they might be defective. forgot to warn you. at least there wasn’t much to lose so it’s not that big of a deal.

  12. sad fuck farang said

    not much to lose?! I’m living by and for my cock!

  13. […] The Study still has enough activities for you to engage in every night, get a buzz on from the mini-fridge booze stash, watch the latest dance moves on the computer, and arrange rendezvous with Thai girls from the various dating sites who not only enjoy The Study Room, but will venture further out into the world and experience other rooms with you. The simple fact is having just a single book here is what makes The Study Room so different from The Maid’s Room. The Study Room can be an anthill crawling with bona fide Thai uni girls whom you can make a connection with if you stalk them long enough (without creeping them out). […]

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