BigDummyKenny

No Something. No Another Thing. No Something Else.

The Real BigDummy’s Guide To Alienating Website Readers

Posted by BigDummyKenny on January 9, 2010

Admit it. Everyone wants to be a master of something. Everyone wants to find their niche, hit their stride and show their royal flush heads up at the final table of the World Series Of Poker, busting the last remaining player and claiming 1st prize. Today we will take a look at something which has been mastered by BigBabyKenny. That’s right, mastered. Many of the self-proclaimed Masters Of The Universe close to the line expats will tell you that BigBabyKenny has not achieved Master Of The Universe cult status. The fact is nothing could be further from the truth.

It has been reported that Kenny follows our BigDummy’s Guides to the letter and now, exclusively and only on http://www.BigDummyKenny.Com, we will expose the “source’s source” of inside information on how to alienate you blog and website readers. Many blog owners have tried a shitload (go ahead, look it up) of ways to alienate their readers. Although we have been posting our unproven theories in our Real BigDummies guides for years, only recently have we actually put our theories into practice. After seeing the success BigBabyKenny has exhibited on his website we thought we’d try it ourselves.

After explosive initial growth (the stats don’t lie) we’ve implemented the same time tested and proven methods used at BigBabyKenny.Com. Here there is no simple seven step method to follow that will make your website a total and complete failure (well, maybe there is but we’re going to say there isn’t so you’ll feel overwhelmed and already prepared to fail). However, with a bit of practice, dedication and diligence in applying the following words of wisdom you can turn even the most robust and healthiest of websites into a miserable failure, reducing traffic a mere trickle.

Setup – The Bait

The first thing is you need a subject and reason for your website. Something with broad appeal should be the official stated objective. This will assure a large base of potential readers. Choose a snappy tagline that matches your idealist (fairyland) objectives and agendas for your website. As part of this you need to have a rallying topic or purpose for your website. Maybe websites have been formed with ill-advised purposes such as providing accurate information or social services for networking people together. This is important and a critical step and is where many websites which could have be massive failures missed their mark (think of what massive failures Travelocity, Google and Youtube could have been if they would only provide inaccurate information. Enough said.).

Your objective is to attract a hardcore base of fanatics who will hang on your every word. This is the pack mentality in action. These people will assist you in ways you can’t imagine. Parroting everything you say as absolute fact and chasing off new readers who may have dissenting views. The usefulness of your core base readers can’t be underestimated. Eventually they will actually do most of your work for you and you’ll find you spend less time commenting to further your agendas. The more of your core base readers who are social deviants the better. For example, those who hate certain classes of people, are sexual deviants (such as child molestors) or are simply self-pontificating social assholes, the better.

Now you have all the elements required to be a spectacular failure except one: a rallying point, agenda or common enemy. There are many ways to accomplish this. Remember initially you want a broad interest in your website only to turn readers away later. The simplest way to do this is to say that the other websites on the subject lack any credibility and their editors don’t know what they are saying. If you have been personally vilified by any of these websites you can also make that a rallying point. You will always have a contingent of readers who don’t like the editors at the other websites, so you have automatically established a core base of readers who will back your every word.

Now that you’ve publicly stated your reasons and objectives for establishing your website you can begin publishing. Begin with a flurry of information. No matter how old or how mundane. It’s on your site now and many people will be seeing it for the first time. Publish, publish and publish away. Include articles from other websites and point out everything you don’t agree with, no matter how small. Watch as your readership grows “to infinity and beyond”!

The Switch

Now that you’ve gotten substantial interest in your website it’s time to put the plan into action. This plan will harden your core base of readers while also turning the majority or readers off. It will take some time to implement this plan, but the results are well worth it.

Remember all those lofty objectives that you claimed your website is all about? Toss them out. Forget about them and slowly but surely make a complete 180 degree turn on each and every one. Initially this will actually increase the number of comments, page visits and hits you receive. This may seem counter intuitive but believe me it’s not. Nothing could be further from the truth.

There are a number of ways to turn readers off, but you want to only use the ones which work better, faster and more efficiently. So only for the (few core) readers of BigDummyKenny.Com, we provide you with a list of the most effective methods for turning readers away from your website.

1. Discredit other websites. To gain traction, you’ll need to establish that you know more than anyone else. This will assure that readers of those websites will be turned off by your website and not return. It will also find favor with the core base readers who dislike the other websites. One technique which could be used would be by complaining about other websites use of excessive negative pieces. This will gain you readers until you later write a number of negative articles yourself on the same subjects.

2. Create your own vocabulary. Improperly use words, their definitions or simply make up words and acronyms so everyone will believe you’re “in the know” and they are just a bunch of dummies. Once you’ve developed a significant number of these words publish your own lexicon. Do so to the extent that your phrases become cliché and worn out. Liberal use of cut and paste from past comments will accelerate this process but save you time! Although novel at first, people will get bored of this practice and will return to your site less and less.

3. Claim open debate but don’t deliver. Nothing will turn off your readers more than claiming you have open debate and then doing the opposite. There are several ways to achieve this simple but effective technique but the most effective is by not responding to issues the dissenters bring up. Skirt the issues, give off topic responses or don’t respond at all. If the discussions get serious or you get frustrated and you’re feeling boxed in, simply claim that you are having fun and the other person has no sense of humor. Discussion over. Even though you are stifling debate, occasionally make an off topic comment that simply focuses on how everyone is enjoying the freedom of open debate. Are you confused yet? Good. This is also part of the technique.

4. Claim groundbreaking features on your website. Initially this will actually generate more traffic. Nothing generates traffic like claiming you are doing things that no other website in the whole blogisphere has done. Well, until people figure out it’s not true. Once they figure out it’s not true readers will begin to doubt other things you’ve claimed and abandon your website. Have you done that? Yes? Well done. You’re well on your way to MOTU status.

5. Use lots of photos. Generally using many photographs is a good thing so this may seem counterproductive to your goal. But don’t take and post any photographs. Take terrible photographs where the subject is out of focus, blurry or the lighting is so poor you can’t see any detailed features. Provide photos that show one thing while including them with a post which says something different. For example, post something that says how a club is loaded with Thai girls in schoolgirl uniforms but include only photographs which don’t have any of these girls in the photos. Another technique is to repost the same photos in a “series” of posts with a few new ones thrown in to claim it’s new content. Never underestimate the extent to which poor photos will irritate readers.

Are you getting this now? Maybe ahead of me? Very impressive. They must call you “Butter” because now you’re on a roll.

6. Abandon your original mission statement goals. One by one, drop those original lofty goals, but be inconsistent while doing so and never, ever acknowledge this is happening. There are very few things that irritate people more than being inconsistent. Be as inconsistent as possible so your readers think you’re losing your mind. One of your lofty goals may be “No Moderation” or “No Censorship.” But use your own definition of censorship and don’t publish it in your lexicon while claiming you still don’t moderate anything.

7. Establish Credibility. Reference your own posts and comments to establish you’re the foremost authority on everything you write. Liberally use links to your own articles backing up your view and theories. This will convince your hard core readers that you are indeed the Master Of The Universe.

Does all this make sense? Goooood. Now you’re ready to fail spectacularly at running a successful website.

We know there are some people who say that the most effective way of alienating readers is for the blog owners to turn off all content and only post a message stating the blog is on hiatus and will soon return bigger and better. Are you stupid? Nothing could be further from the truth. Extensive research has shown that after a short drop in traffic, the number of page hits actually increases in anticipation of the blog coming back online. In fact, the number of page hits will actually exceed the traffic which was received immediately before the hiatus message was posted! All this is happening while you spend zero time managing the website. This is not what you want and should not be attempted.

As a final note to this article, the editors at BigDummyKenny.Com have read your suggestions and e-mails and we don’t hear you. That’s right, one of the more effective ways of alienating your readers is by completely ignoring them. Which is what we’ve been doing for quite some time. This is similar to the tactic of not addressing questions that your readers have concerning your posts and comments. So we’ll just ignore you knowing eventually you’ll get frustrated, bored or pass out from excessive alcohol consumption and forget all about your request or suggestion.

BigDummyKenny

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10 Responses to “The Real BigDummy’s Guide To Alienating Website Readers”

  1. Purple Spy said

    Big Wacky Dummy, –> You are Toby Young and I claim my 500 TB!

  2. Bangers Bill said

    “So we’ll just ignore you knowing eventually you’ll get frustrated, bored or pass out from excessive alcohol consumption and forget all about your request or suggestion.”

    Oh my, I about choked on my lunch. I feel like I can be a spectacular failure already! 😉

  3. This is some great advice – in fact, BigDummy is chewing his own chewing tobacco. He has received countless (count ’em) emails, PMs, and postal mails (more efficient means of sending information) imploring him to get rid of DaffyDuck and to not give Daffy a podium to pontificate from.

    Subsequently, look what happened! Totally ignoring the users’ requests, BDK has established THE DUCK POND. Right on track, right on target, and spot on and accurate!!

  4. smelly farang said

    Due to

  5. smelly farang said

    hey. why are you censoring my input? dont be a gook jerk.

    During the military era Pridi was cast as a monarchy-destroying communist

    [Note: We have a No Something. No Another Thing. No Something Else policy at BigDummyKenny. We encourage open discussion and people to own their own words. If you believe you have something interesting to say, submit it as a post. 😉 – BDK]

  6. ronru said

    The bottom line is: BigBabyKenny.com provides interesting, dynamic, accurate and exiting daily read while this site bores me to tears.

    • bigdummykenny said

      @ronru – Perhaps you should take to heart what BigBabyKenny originally posted on his website:

      You need to get a sense of humor and maintain some perspective.

      This is not Hitler vs. Stalin facing off at Stalingrad.

      Or a cage fight to the death where only one man comes out alive. It is more akin to a food fight in the 6th grade.

      Lighten up and don’t take it so seriously. OK someone pokes some fun at you.

      No reason to go off like a landmine, get all red in the face, and go postal. There is No Censorship here. It is not like someone publicly trashes you and you cannot respond because you are going to be deleted.

      If you called me a dumb ass. I might respond by calling you a double dumb ass. You could respond by calling me a triple dumb ass. Being the witty clever guy I am, I might come back by calling you a super dumb ass. Somewhere along the line you’ve got to crack a smile—or maybe not.

      Get a sense of humor, maintain some perspective and enjoy the give and take of an open forum where you can say what you want, when you want, the way you want.

      If you can’t do that then participating in a open uncensored blog is not for you.

      I will also give credit where credit is due and Kenny has been civil and has taken people making fun of him in stride. In that respect, as much as some people don’t like him he’s been a good sport about things thus far.

      Since you admire him so much I would think you could learn something from him, but apparently you’re a slow learner.

  7. bigdummykenny said

    @ronru – BigDummyKenny continues to see exponential traffic growth and is the must read for thousands of people every day.

    Perhaps this site bores you to tears because it’s poking fun of BigBabyKenny.Com? Perhaps this blog, which also welcome open discussion and where people are called on their bullshit, is not for you.

    There are other websites where you don’t get called on bullshit and perhaps you enjoy writing bullshit without being singled out for doing so.

    BigDummyKenny

  8. WOW said

    THESIS QUALITY CONTENT!

  9. Wankit said

    I wondered why Kenny’s website is complete phish and where he got his insight and now we all know.

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