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WLF REPRINT: A Celebration of Mediocrity by the Bangkok Bad Boy

Posted by RealDaffyDuck on June 24, 2012

[originally posted to Werewolf’s Lair, May 22nd, 2009]

What, really, does the Bangkok “naughty nightlife” scene all come down to? Well, sex. Sure, there’s sex. And lots of it.

But after a while, it all gets a little “same same”, as the locals would put it.

Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I’m perverted. Actually, scratch the “maybe”. But while fantastically great sex can be had with the “entertainment providers” of Bangkok, it all too often isn’t.

Everyone’s had a “starfish” experience. Sometimes the girls just can’t be bothered. But that’s only a small part of the issue – there’s rather more to it for me.

“My mother said it was simple to keep a man; you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.” –Jerry Hall

That’s not a hard combination to find here, there are tens of thousands of whores in this great city, and most of them are far better at cooking and cleaning than I am.

But there are levels of whoredom…

Maybe it’s just me. I’m rather apprehensively looking forward to the comments on this one. But after more than two years of extensive field research, I’ve come to the unpleasant conclusion that the attractiveness of a Bangkok “entertainment provider” is inversely proportional to the levels of filth to which she is prepared to descend.

Which probably shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone. The girls aren’t in it for the love of shagging aging, “cuddly” farangs, lest we forget…

Ready… Steady… Stop

As a crude example with which to illustrate this premise, we’ll take the humble blow-job. The correct way for a young lady to enjoy this tasty treat is to cram as much of the Staff of Justice down her maw as is phyiscally possible, and make choking or gurgling noises until I unleash the penis paste and paint her gullet green (what do you mean, it’s not supposed to be green?)

The Bangkok version, however, all too often consists of the young lady gently suckling on the tip, much as a hamster drinks from its water bottle, before flinching, scarpering, and taking cover behind the wardrobe as I approach the vinegar strokes – woe betide she get any jizz in her mouth. That’s the girl, not the hamster.

This is akin to ordering a pint of glorious Hoegaarden, observing its frosty pale goodness, and then pouring it into a passing dog’s ear, wistfully imagining how nice it might have tasted.

There are bargirls out there who give awesome head, but they’re few and far between – if you want a guaranteed decent slurping, you need to hit a dedicated BJ bar. Which are often closed when I most want to visit.

Red Rope

For a better, and perhaps more eloquent idea of what I’m talking about, take a look at this account of a visit to Shanghai’s Red Rope Lounge on the Mango Blog:

Then, I’m not gonna diagram it, but you will have to imagine how a naked Chinese princess can hang suspended from the ceiling by nothing but a 20-centimeter red sash and blow you. There are two basic positions and both knots and balance are critical. It’s the most acrobatic sex I’ve ever had. The sight in the side-mirror is unforgettable. This is a service, don’t try this at home! (Doctor Flan, another pal who used to travel to Shanghai, says his friends used to refer to this practice as “Suck de Soleil” due to its circus-like nature).

The whole experience sounds awesome – do please read the piece all the way through – but there’s nothing like it in Bangkok – at least, not to my knowledge.

The Eden Club does well by providing outfits and toys to the discerning customer, plus a guaranteed true three-way threesome – most of the ones you’ll organise yourself will disappoint as the girls take turns without even touching each other, or waiting in the bathroom for their turn on the tig.

But is this lack of groundbreaking sex establishments due to the absence of erotic entrepeneurs, or simply because Thai girls probably wouldn’t be interested in providing more, uh, advanced services?

I’ve slept with probably more than my fair share of Thai girls since coming out here, and I’ve only met one girl who was even interested in using toys during sex. One girl who admitted to owning a vibrator. Perhaps they didn’t want to tell me, but it does seem like Thai girls aren’t actually that interested in pushing back the boundaries. Or at least, not with me. Speaking of which…

Crack the Whip

Okay, we do have a number of S&M venues, which I suppose count as “alternative”. Barbar on Patpong 2 springs to mind. It’s honestly not my kink, but I visited the place about a year and a half ago to conduct a review:

I got chatting to one of the girls over my one and only drink – it’s worth noting that she spoke very little English. If you’re staying here for any length of time, a few Thai lessons go a long way. After watching her get spanked with a paddle, then drizzled with hot candle wax, I asked her whether she enjoyed her work?

She looked at me as if I was an idiot, and told me that of course she didn’t enjoy it – it hurts!

So even if you’re into it – they’re probably not.

A Worrying Conclusion

So what have we got? Well, thousands of girls, some stunningly beautiful, who’ll gladly sleep with you for a very reasonable price. Most of them will at least have a go at giving you a blowjob too. That’s about it though. Woe betide the newbie who questions the Rainbow 4 Paddy Princess as to whether she takes it up the bum (I saw this asked once. It wasn’t pretty).

Sure, you can probably find a slutty streetwalker who’ll let you do anything for 500 baht. Thing is, you probably wouldn’t want to. Not with her.

The soapies aren’t much better – at Poseidon last year, I was required to don a rubber johnny just to get sucked off. This is the exception rather than the rule, but is it indicative of a fear of disease, or simply an unwillingness to gargle the gunk?

Then we have the, er, specialist service providers. Lolita’s or the Star of Light for a decent blowjob. 700 baht a go, which is pretty reasonable, but it would be nice if they delivered – or at least stayed open later than the gogos.

We do have the Eden Club – the “honourable mention” of the piece. They do try, they really do. Girls come equipped with a handy bag containing scores of condoms, lube, strap-ons and even school uniforms if you ask. The infamous yellow line even guarantees bum love from those on the left, should it be so required. But yes, as someone will undoubtably point out, the lowlights of the lineup are only there because presumably nobody else will hire them. Some of the girls are downright scary.

The Tulip massage parlour doesn’t compete on the accessories front, but the girls, in my experience at least, are uniformly up for inserting pretty much any body part anywhere it’ll fit. Which is nice, and earns them a gold star.

But compare the above with the Red Rope Lounge, or even the dirty white chick I slept with last time I was in the UK (you don’t want to know), and the difference in terms of advanced options is positively humbling.

Bangkok’s great for a bunk-up, sure – as long as you’re experienced in the art of not picking a dud. But if you’ve got anything more advanced or exciting on your mind – even the “fire and ice” trick from the Red Rope Lounge, there doesn’t seem to be anywhere in Bangkok that actually provides it.

Incredibly, when you really look closely, Bangkok’s commercial sex scene isn’t all that good. And remarkably, Bangkok’s ladies of negotiable affection are often not actually that good at it either. Or else they choose not to be particularly enthusiastic. Yet we flock here by the tens of thousands. Remarkable.


11 Responses to “WLF REPRINT: A Celebration of Mediocrity by the Bangkok Bad Boy”

  1. MEGA said

    The longer one lives here the more you come to understand that all of the above is spot on. The reason why so many Thai “working girls” are such dud shags is not hard to figure when you understand the Thai propensity for trying to get as much money as one possibly can for doing as little as possible. Having lived in the LOS for the better part of 18 years, a few observations:
    1. The hottest freelancers (unless they are nut jobs) are the duddest shags. They’re so in love with themselves that they think all they have to do is lie down and spread their legs.
    2. The best shags, be they bar girl, gogo dancer, or freelancer are the nut jobs or emotonally unstable.
    3. Drunk sex is crap and a waste of money.
    4. Short times only because most of them (bargirls) invariably find some excuse to try and leave early even if you’ve arranged an all nighter.
    5. The best service (but more expensive) is from escort agencies.

    • “2. The best shags, be they bar girl, gogo dancer, or freelancer are the nut jobs or emotonally unstable.”

      Tru dat!!

      This turns out to invariably be true – I have a nice little book of such girls.

  2. Great post…….the other item would be your need to continue to push the limit in order to be satisfied.

    I’m actually getting to the point where it is hard for me to cum with less than three people in the room.

    I’ll let you do the math in any way that you wish!

    • SBDOTKU said

      Just put me down as a “not able to attend” if you decide to have an “intimate evening with a few friends…” 😉

  3. SBDOTKU said

    RDD great idea reprinting some of the articles, great or just infamous, of the recent past. Saves me having to think of new stuff. Though I should probably finish the tale of my last trip, oh so long ago. I was saving the best parts for last…

  4. Wow……life is good watching CNN, having my morning coffee and reading a new Prufrock post on BBK.

    Hi Proofie! Why don’t you just post under your real name?

    • Lester Meats said

      You don’t know why Prufie uses different names? It’s all part of his total message. He’s being creative. He undoubtedly knows he’s recognizable, by his long winded rants. His monikers set the tone. He’s quite entertaining in a redundant way.

    • RealDaffyDuck said

      He *thinks* he’s being creative. There is a difference.

      Oh, he’s admitted to posting under multiple names many times, and every time when called on it, denied it. He’s certainly not creative, seeing as he redundantly writes from the same script.

  5. E said

    Im curious to know what the writer of this article looks like because I’ve had some mindblowin sex with Thai girls I think theres got to be some sort of attraction there before you can get the most out of the experience.That’s the difference between a balding,fat,middle aged man and a young buck like myself.Do the math mate,money can’t buy you everything 😉

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